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Monster Mash

I’m trying to cut out energy drinks from my life… kinda. Sorta. Not really. Up until maybe a few months ago, I used to have at least a can a day, and I did this for years. It doesn’t really seem like that much, but I’m trying to be at least a bit healthier so energy drinks seem to be the first on the chopping block.

… But, I have this unquenchable thirst (HAAAA!!!! I’m a literary genius) to try as many Monster flavours as I can get my hands on. Why? Don’t know. Call it corporate bootlicking, brand worship, the unwritten twelfth principle type of liberalism as written by Comrade Mao in 1937.

If you disagree with any of my drink opinions then you can send me an email where you will be promptly blocked, reported for harassment, and my lawyer will be contacted.

Hate reading? View the ever-updating tier list here.

  • S - excellence in beverage creation
  • A - pretty damn good!
  • B - fulfils the assignment of being a pleasant drinking experience
  • C - fine… I guess
  • D - undrinkable by itself but palatable when mixing
  • E - would only drink if I was getting paid to do so
  • F - unfit for human consumption

The OGs

Original

I still don’t know the domineering flavour of this drink. It’s tasty and I keep coming back to it. Sometimes a bitch will deviate and go for Rockstar or Relentless depending on what’s on offer but I always come back to this. 11g of sugar per 100ml can’t be so bad, can it? S tier.

Absolutely Zero

This tastes like concentrated bubblegum essence, like it needs mixing with something to be palatable. D tier.

LH44 - Lewis Hamilton

I tried this years ago so I’m going off memory here. I remember it tasting like one of the subpar sugar-free flavours, but this time with sugar. I don’t think I want to shell out on another can to give a substantial review but I do remember this was a waste of time. C tier.

The Javas

Java - Oatmilk

This is an interesting one. I bought it off an American food supplier based in the UK so they had the fancy flavours in. I don’t know if Shredded Wheat is a worldwide thing or not, but this drink was like if you liquified that and called it a day. I feel like it’s probably good for my heart… I guess if you ignore the taurine and whatever other crap’s in it. Once this starts hitting room temperature it begins to taste a bit like tepid puke. C tier.

Java - Swiss Chocolate

An IMMENSE !!!! upgrade from Oatmilk. Again, must be ice cold or it starts to taste minging real quick, but this taste is gorgeous. I’d prefer it if it were in a smaller can so it’s easier to keep cold, or I could just have ice cubes or something with it. A tier.

Java - Irish Blend

I gagged when sniffing this for the first time. It smells putrid. Taste is like cold creamy coffee … which I think is the point, but I hate creamy coffee so this was not a fun experience. It gets more tolerable as I get further into the can but it’s not my favourite. It needs some vanilla or something in it. E tier.

The Espressos

Espresso - Espresso and Milk

I love the espresso cans. They’re a bit spenny but the price gets brought way down when bought as part of a meal deal… just typing the words ‘meal deal’ makes me want to curl up and die. Thinking about 12-14 hour days on campus sweating out coursework and living off the same 2 supermarket sandwiches for months………… fuck that.

Anwyay, this drink is gorge. Small can, gives a good mental boost compared to a lot of drinks, lovely flavour too. A tier.

Espresso - Vanilla Espresso

Same as above except a baby step up because a bitch loves vanilla. A tier.

The Maxx Strength-ers

Maxx - Super Dry

What the hell kinda flavour is this? Cucumber and lime spring to mind, but I’ve got no idea if either of those specimens are within this can. This drink is really nice as it’s not as carbonated as the big cans, it’s more of a gentle fizz and a smoother drink. This is actually kind of refreshing. B tier.

Maxx - Solaris

This can is so beautiful. Those PINKS !!! As for the flavour, I can’t pinpoint it. It has a very strong generic fruit taste. There is nothing on the can to suggest the flavour and no I’m not going to do any research on this to find out what it’s actually meant to be.

Smooth drinking! I’d love to nab another can of this some time in the future. A tier.

The Mutants

This was a Vietnamese line by the looks of it. I have no idea what’s in these drinks. Maybe that’s for the best?

Mutant - Red Dawn

This was not very fizzy, which is good for me as I prefer carbonated drinks that are tamer. This tastes insidiously sweet, like my teeth will be rotten and falling out come tomorrow morning. The taste is an artifical cherry flavour, like them flat lollipops.

cherry-pops

All I can think is thank fuck this was a small can. It’s really difficult to drink. I feel like this would be delicious if mixed with something to dilute the taste a bit. D tier.

Mutant - Gold Strike

The taste sensation is very strange with this one, as is the smell. The initial taste is like if you mixed Irn Bru with the original Monster which isn’t actually that bad! However it starts to taste like plasticine as you drink more of the can. This is a pass. D tier.

The MK ULTRAS

Ultra - Black

Okay, this one pissed me off. This is my favourite Monster flavour to date. Ever!!!! I’m pissed that it only seems to be limited edition. A crisp cherry flavour. Refreshing. Stunning. Amazing. It’s just so good. I remember grabbing a can of this for the first time from the shop in the train station, with that trip to said train station being my first outing post-surgery earlier this year. I’d never seen that flavour before so I thought I’d take the plunge and try it. My god. I should’ve stocked up when I had the chance. S tier.

Ultra - Sunrise

Erm… this just tastes like Fanta?

I didn’t really make notes when drinking this because I could’ve sworn I’d already reviewed it because the flavour was so familiar. Turns out I was thinking of Khaos. This drink fulfils the assignment. B tier.

Ultra - Standard

I honestly used to drink this religiously. For the first couple years of my undergrad I was having at least a can a day. I thought it was God’s nectar.

I remember thinking one night in my old place I’d posh it up and drink a can out of a lowball glass with some ice cubes. Monster on the rocks. I took a sip and nearly vomited. It was fucking vile. Did I get a naff can or something? God knows. From that point on even the smell of this drink makes me gag. I can’t drink it. E tier.

Ultra - Violet

This? What the actual fuck is this. I think it’s supposed to be grape flavoured?? I could barely finish the can. Absolutely grim. F tier.

Ultra - Citron

This is cute! It’s like a less enjoyable lemonade. Smells like cream cleaner. Is that a positive? C tier.

Ultra - Paradise

This smells a bit funky but the taste is excellent. A stunning tropical flavour. I can neck a can in one sitting with next to no effort, and the shade of green of the can is pretty too. A tier.

Ultra - Red

This tastes like raspberry milkshake. Yop springs to mind. Does anyone remember that? Is that even still in production?

I also just noticed when reading the can that this has carmine in it… so this drink isn’t even vegetarian. Fuck’s sake. They run out of beetroot colouring or something? C tier.

The Dragons

Dragon - Green Tea

Tastes exactly like green tea, which I hate.

I don’t know what I expected. E tier.

Dragon - White Tea

I don’t remmeber this one. I definitely had a can and I must’ve forgot to write notes for it. It tastes like fucking tea lol I don’t know what else to say. Tea is gross so this was gross. E tier.

Dragon - Yerba Mate

Couldn’t manage more than a sip before it went straight in the bog. F tier.

The Juiced ones

Juiced - Mango Loco

Gorgeous for the first few gulps before it becomes stale and unenjoyable. Whenever I feel like shaking it up a bit I reach for a Mango Loco (I’m in the UK… the choice is piss poor here) and I regret it every single time!! C tier.

Juiced - Ripper

This suffers the same problem as Mango Loco. Much… juicier, but it gets tiring to drink after a few sips. This could be way better in a smaller can. C tier.

The Juicy ones

Juice - Khaos

It has a slight fizz, a smooth orange flavour, and it’s easy to drink. It’s 30% juice - that means it’s healthy, right? It’s like orange-flavour Lucozade Sport but punchier. Tastes super similar to Ultra Sunrise. B tier.

Misc ??

Fury

I looked up both Fury and Assault and their descriptions are the exact same… hmm. This Reddit thread seems to confirm that they’re the same thing, just different sizes.

Okay, so first the smell. It smells like shit. It would be like if I poured cola, a drink which should be outlawed for how foul it tastes, into a filthy ashtray and just let it fester for a week.

It tastes almost like cola. As the taste lingers it threatens to dip its toes into cola territory but not quite enough for me to spit the drink out. This is extremely difficult to drink. This is absolutely the worst flavour of Monster I’ve ever tasted. I was talking shit about Yerba Mate earlier on this page but I’d rather neck a full can of that than a can of this. This is an insult to beverages worldwide. F tier.